We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
