She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
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Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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