Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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