Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
