Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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