I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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