she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
