I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
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