Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
