God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
