I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Randomize
