You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
