nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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