Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
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