I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
