my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
