yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
