he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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