the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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