We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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