My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
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I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
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We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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