i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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