And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
