I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
