This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
