I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I need a beard to bite.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
