Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize