we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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