Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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