I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
