just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
