I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
