I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
