Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
