Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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