I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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