The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
