go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
