You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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