You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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