Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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