I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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