listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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