well I can't set my house on fire every night
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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