How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
