When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
as a side note pls kill me
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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