He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
