Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
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My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
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You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize