One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
