Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
