I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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