At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
