My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
