Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
