I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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