Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
