if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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