I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
